Slipping downward

My previous stays in the hospital were relatively pleasant.  I read, I wrote, I worked a little.  I could feel how I was getting better every day.  It was always a positive experience.  This time is different.  I’m lethargic.  I lounge on my bed with nothing to do.  It seems I felt better on Saturday than I feel today.  My overall state is poor.  Not even the nice two-bed room with private shower can make up for that.

This is weighing on me.  I’m not sure how long I can keep my optimism.  How long will I be in this fight with the conviction that I’m standing an honest chance?  Even the most stubborn stubbornness runs out eventually.  How long can I keep fighting when I’m letting myself slip as I’m doing right now at the hospital?  I don’t want to give up.  There’s no point in this.  But if everything that’s happening to me points into the same direction, it might be time to accept the inevitable.

I haven’t read any scientific papers on cancer in many months.  I haven’t explored or suggested to my doctor alternative, maybe experimental or unproven, therapies.  I’ve become passive like a sheep on the way to the slaughter.  This is also how I feel.  I need a boost of energy, something to push me back into gear.

Flucha has stepped into this void with some vigor.  She has always made little suggestions, but the liquid in the abdomen theory was what really pulled her in.  Today she was all but proven right.  I had an ultrasound that showed liquid around the intestines.  The doctor didn’t speculate, but I can see how this would restrict the amount of food my stomach can handle.

Encouraged by this success, Flucha started digging in the medical literature (or rather databases thereof) and found a paper that describes the application of mitomycin C straight into the liver.  This is not an accepted or approved therapy but, according to the paper, is something that has worked when nothing else seems to work.  As the liver seems to be my biggest problem now, this might be worth a shot.

What I’m much more concerned with is that I haven’t taken my regular chemo pills in four days.  I don’t want to let the cancer loose.  It does enough damage already when it is contained by drugs.  But there is still no word on my infection and on how long I will need to keep taking antibiotics, currently infused at eight-hour intervals.  The antibiotics preclude chemotherapy.  You can imagine that I really want to get out of this hospital.