Last session

Tomorrow I’ll have the last chemo session of my first treatment program. This is no reason to celebrate, but I will certainly feel relief when I return the empty bottle on Friday. If the surgery that liberated me from the tumor, half my colon and assorted innards was the prologue to a long multi-stage event, chemotherapy was the first set of stages. We haven’t entered the mountains yet, though some of the hilly terrain had quite a bite. It wasn’t always easy, but the hardest part is still ahead. Now, though, I can enjoy a rest day that might stretch for months.

Throughout chemotherapy I was largely avoiding side effects. I had the cold-induced tingle in my fingers and the compromised immune system that wasn’t strong enough to defeat the cold I’ve been carrying since mid-December. Overall, it seemed all good, but now, toward the end of the therapy, compounding effects appear. It does indeed seem as if the therapy was designed to be tolerated for exactly twelve sessions. After that, the beaten body would crack.

My hands and feet feel as if they were covered in a thin layer of dead flesh. All sensations are slightly indirect. Something has grown inside me that is now undeniable. My teeth are also suffering. They seem a bit brittle. I can feel tiny chips with my tongue that weren’t there before. It’s nothing major but something that is quite obviously there.

Then there was the odd allergic reaction against one of the drugs two weeks ago. Why did this happen during the eleventh session but not earlier? Maybe cancer can’t be treated as a chronic disease as I had imagined earlier. Maybe there’s only so much abuse a body can take, and the allergic reaction was a signal from my body that it’s had enough and is ready to give up. I’ll go to therapy with quite a bit of apprehension tomorrow. The doctor won’t give me the drug that caused trouble last time, but I’m still worried what will happen. The devastation of my body must stop.

Here are some questions to ask my doctor:

• How will things continue?
• When will my hands and feet go back to normal?
• When will I get a CT to check everything is still ok?
• How long will it take for my immune system to recover? How long will I remain a card-carrying member of a COVID-19 risk group?
• Are there any drugs I’ll have to take from now on?
• Would a second treatment program include the drug that will be left out today?